I have been struggling with what I think and hope is HOCD for about a month now. I am a 19 year old female who oddly never questioned her sexuality throughout puberty until now. I say oddly because I was exposed to pornography from a young age (embarrassed to even say that). And for the most part I always watched Lesbian porn (I also watched straight porn but found it off putting because it was difficult to find a guy I thought was cute.) Even when this was occurring (from about age 12) I never once had a crush on a girl. Since kindergarten I can remember having crushes on boys left and right. I did have some same sex experimentation in like the first grade but never thought much of it because it was with my best friend at the time and I didn't LIKE her (even helped her get a boyfriend lol) and I never had feelings towards girls. I have to admit I did have a Lesbian scare in the 6th grade after watching a movie with Lesbians involved (connecting it back to masturbation thinking I'd HAVE to end up with a girl) but quickly got over it due to knowing I'd never actually want a relationship with another girl. After that I was your boy crazy girl from 6-12 grade. All I ever dreamed about were guys and how my first kiss would be the best and it seemed that I had a crush on just about every teen male singer/actor. I went through Jesse McCartney/Bow Wow/Chris Brown/Justin Bieber/One Direction and PLENTY more. Boys always made me smile and feel warm. Now this is where it gets tricky. I started college this year and I've had about 3 crushes since then. I had a major one on a guy I haven't seen for a while and that really made me upset. I didn't/ still don't really feel like I fit in here and it was really tough for the first few months. I envied my friends because it seemed they got all the attention from the boys and I felt like I'd be alone forever (I've never had a boyfriend and I tormented myself with this before HOCD kicked in). So things were already pretty rough and a bit later my Mom had a heart attack and on top of stress at school my world felt like it was crumbling. SO THIS IS WHERE WE GET TO WHERE IT ALL STARTED. One day a girl came in from another class and started talking to me, she seemed really friendly so I was like "oh this girl is really nice." She seemed really interested in what I had to say and I found it a little strange and awkward. It almost felt like she was flirting with me. I didn't want to be rude so I agreed to give her my number and she left shortly after. The whole time I was thinking "how strange it felt like she was hitting on me." But due to my computer not working I brushed it off. Later on she popped back into my head and I started freaking out. I kept replaying our conversation and wondering if I had made it seem like I was interested. The thoughts bothered me and soon they became unstoppable. I kept wondering if I was flirting or that if by giving her my number it meant I wanted something. I was starting to get over my paranoia when se texted me one day in class. I felt so anxious and sick that I asked to leave early because it felt like I was having a panic attack. Things only got worse after that and I ended up getting diagnosed with anxiety and depression (2 weeks today on PAXIL). All I could think was if I was gay and how could I have missed that, and all the porn came back to haunt me. I've never wanted to date a girl so I'm so confused. I try to imagine myself with a girl and I can't do it. I laid in bed for a week without appetite or energy to do anything (even hobbies). I began to obsess and wonder if I had always been a Lesbian or if it was something new I'd have to get used to. Even going out with friends I've hung out with so many times before was depressing. I keep thinking I'm in love with all of my friends or have strange attractions to any female that stands close to me. I sleep a lot and feel like I'm in a hole. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I want anymore and maybe I am a Lesbian. It got to the point where I told my Dad and sisters which they dismissed as being another one of my silly "obsessions". I've never been diagnosed with OCD but I do have a tendency to blow things out of proportion and obsess since I was younger. When I was 6 I'd stare at the clock and make sure my Dad got home at 6 and if not I'd cry assuming he was dead. Ages 7-11 I tended to think I had about EVERY possible disease. For example I thought I was going to have a heart attack and would sit around feeling my chest for pain or irregular movement, it didn't stop until my Mom took me to the doctor. I thought I had asthma, and last year I obsessed over my finger popping which led me go online and think I had arthritis, other things I thought I had were diabetes, a head tumor, and crohns disease. I'm telling you I'm all over the place. But I just don't know if this HOCD, I used to think it was but now I've started looking at every girl and when I do I feel guilty thinking "am I attracted to her?!" my brain is on overdrive 24/7 preventing me from having fun or even listening to music and watching shows I used to love. I also used to love reading teen romance novels because I loved to put myself in the shoes of the girls with the cute boys liking them but now I'm terrified I'm not going to like them. I stopped writing songs, and listening to my favorite boybands in fear I won't like them anymore. I feel like a different person and I hate it. The anxiety is with me 24/7 and the questioning never stops. I feel like I'm attracted to every girl and it's stupid I know, but it feels real. I'm scared I'll never like a boy again or that I really do want to be with a girl and I'm just in denial. I just don't understand how I could go from boy crazy to a Lesbian in like a week. My mind tells me boys are gross and that I don't need one and that upsets me the most. I also feel like I've lost attraction to the opposite sex and that makes me cry sometimes. It's weird because a week before this happened I was genuinely fearful I would never get a boyfriend and I would end up alone? Idk sorry for the long post but my mind is so messed up right now.

You're welcome here, GJ. Come and read and post in obsessive-compulsive/ ? There are lots of people there with similar stories. And talking to people with similar stuff going on can be powerful. You don't need a diagnosis or anything.

obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html is a good place to start reading. It explains about the checking and anxiety. And gives some options for working on this. It takes time but things can get better.

We don't use blogs very much for conversation. Because it's very hard to remember where you've posted [except in your own blog.] So mostly we do chat in the forums. Maybe post there what you've said above? And reply to other people too. That's a good way to get to know people. And start to build up support.